FAHns Browse the FAHrchive



Foil Arms and Hog started their social media life on Facebook, which makes it an amazing source of Early FAH stuff for all your throwback needs. They also post their Monday FAHrchive sketches on there, which was a way to keep their 1M large follower base entertained during lockdown, when all gigging ceased.

However, it's quite a daunting task to go on a Facebook browse. The treasure trove is HUGE and the app itself is quite clunky. Luckily, many devoted FAHns are very happy to do it for you. On this page you will find a selection of the very best the FAH Facebook page has to offer from the Olden Days of our Irish Sketch Comedy Boyz!

Note: Content included here is (almost) exclusively taken from the archived FAH website and Facebook page from the very beginning up until the end of 2014. Found anything you'd like to add? Contact Heleendje.

Armsy's Wisdom Corner
(This section started around November 2011)

Tips of the week:

 * People who start sentences with ‘Not many people know this….’ are generally knobs.

The FAH Blog
[https://foilarmsandhog.wordpress.com/ The old FAH WordPress blog! Inventors of bovine orthopaedic shoes] "Welcome to the Foil, Arms and Hog Blog! Here you will find the latest updates on all things FAH related, as well as assorted mind dumps from each of the comedy trio. Feel free to add your comments!"[Blog content is set in a SCROLL BOX]

11 Nov 2013: You Can't Trust Anybody
Our lives are consumed by paranoia; did anybody hear me poo? What did my mum find when she cleaned my room? Does that girl know how many times I’ve checked out her profile, or did I accidentally click ‘like’ whilst perving her photos?? God I’d eat raw meat just to sniff her hair…

But most importantly at a time when good friends will gladly waste no time in handing you out the fraping of a lifetime, who can you trust?

Initially this might sound like fear mongering, but we’ve all been bitten enough times to know this paranoia is justified: The hairdresser who when you say ‘just a trim’ hears ‘US army seal’. The shop assistant who assures you the mobile network does have coverage in your area, that ‘the problem must be that your house has walls’.

So who can you trust? This question presented itself to me in an official capacity recently when I was attempting to renew my out of date passport.

It was day 21 of the 10 day passport express service which I had availed of. I was sitting waiting for hatch number 5 in the passport office. My flight was in 12 hours, I was anxious, angry, and had lost all faith in humanity. I hadn’t felt this bad since that MacDonalds salad.

The guy currently at hatch number 5 wasn’t doing much better. He needed a passport but had no I.D. to prove he was himself. A tricky situation, you need I.D. to get I.D., but how do you enter the loop? Fortunately the lady at the hatch had the answer “you need your identity vouched for by a respectable member of the community who knows you personally”. But who are these pillars of our community? The answer was well rehearsed and nasal “An elected representative, a member of the clergy, a bank manager…” Hold on right there, what the hell? A priest, a politician, and a bank manager? So, Bertie Ahern, Fr. Brendan Smyth, and David Drumm? I don’t think I’m being paranoid in saying that these professions are the bloody axis of evil for modern Ireland. There hasn’t been a trio so devastating to the global image of our beautiful country since Crystal Swing. I’m not saying there aren’t a few good eggs amongst them, but you certainly wouldn’t confidently order an omelette.

There were, to be fair, a few professions on the list that didn’t set the alarm bells ringing: doctor, school principal, solicitor, police officer (although I’m kinda 50/50 on that last one). But still, the list is woefully out of date, it belongs to an age when when the bowl haircut & turtle neck sweater combo was considered sexy. We need some freshening up, bring on the subs.

But who can we trust, what are the unimpeachable professions we can turn to? In an age of greed who has their integrity intact? Plumbers. If they are willing to put their hands down my toilet I can trust them with my life. Also, tree surgeons have been keeping themselves out the papers pretty well recently. That should be rewarded. While we’re at it, why not comedians? The only thing we ever steal is other peoples material, plus we’re all really sound.

But are elected government officials ever going to remove elected government officials from a list of trustworthy people? Sounds unlikely.

Basically you can’t trust anybody. You might as well just shave your head, delete your Facebook account, hold in your poo’s and never leave the country.

In case you’re wondering I got the passport in the end, but the picture they took somehow tripled the size of my teeth. I’m stymied with it for ten years. You can’t trust anybody.

11 Nov 2013: Are you an Internet Junkie?
Are you one of these people? Maybe too much twitter is your vice. Maybe its making stuff up and posting it up on Wikipedia? Saying things you don’t have the balls to say in person on boards.ie? Do you get off to posting classifieds on Donedeal.ie? O

Its kind of like when you heard David Duchovny or Russel Brand were sex addicts. “I’m sorry I don’t understand, they’re sex addicts?” “Yes, they are addicted to sex.” “Oh, I get it, they have a penis” You see there is no new information in the sentence: ‘David Duchovny and Russel Brand are sex addicts.’ Unless you didn’t know that they were male. So if you think you are a special case who’s addicted to the internet, think again. We all are.

And why be ashamed, the internet is hailed as a modern day wonder of the world. Just think of its procrastination abilities. For example, ever found yourself thinking when you know you have to write an essay “Oh hey, I better check my Gmail one more time, just in case anything has come through in the last 6 seconds from when I last checked it because I was checking my Facebook updates which reminds me its been a while since I checked Facebook, don’t want to miss anything, actually I’ll open it in another window in case I forget because in the meantime its vital I check my LinkedIn requests… oh shit I’ve neglected my Pinterest account for way too long now, god this stuff is just so important, actually its probably best I watch a whole season of breaking bad on Netflicks that way I’ll be more relaxed to do the essay in 16 hours time”.

Sound familiar? It should, because this is human nature. If this doesn’t sound familiar then that’s when you should be worried because you have psychological problems… or you have a dial up connection.

Anyway since we’ve established you’ve got time to burn on-line, why not try our Foil Arms and Hog YouTube channel? Its ranked 5,327,984th of top visited sites in Ireland so you know its got to be good. Go on…

11 Nov 2013: Starting Real College
(*)Disclaimer: This post was written for those students lucky enough to be attending UCD

So Freshers week is well and truly over and as you wring the excess beer, semen and shame from your ‘Legendsoc!’ t-shirt you make a vow to only ever wear that monstrosity again to bed, when everything else is in the wash, or if you’ve actually joined Legendsoc: every day, every single smelly day.

As a fresher, now is around the time you wave goodbye to that ‘friend’ you made at the first lecture that you thought would be a great mate for all your college years. Soon you’ll struggle to remember each others’ names, next year you’ll nod occasionally in the corridors and then in final year, you’ll just ignore each other. C’est la UCD.

There’s no point in pretending you’re not a fresher either, honestly, you might as well still be wearing your school uniform. You’re the only ones still ‘dressing up’ for college, while the rest of the campus lets their hair grow until all facial features are obscured. Also, just listen to what’s coming out of your mouth!:

Things Freshers Say


 * Jaysus, dere’s gurrrls everywhere!
 * Where the f*ck is E 112!?
 * How much does that tutorial actually count for?
 * Alright, just let me finish drinking it, then I’ll put it in the bin
 * Let’s find the secret tunnels!
 * Where the f*ck is the classics department?
 * Why does the homeless dude get free sandwiches and coffee?
 * Yes, beginners Spanish please…. No, I’ve NEVER done Spanish before…
 * Dere’s a schwimmin pool bai!

But don’t worry, September is a mulligan, everyone knows college only actually starts in October. It is now that you must make those vital discoveries: what are the classes you actually need to go to, what is the bare minimum you can do to placate the university and your parents and most importantly what is the highest percentage beer at the lowest price in Higgins off-licence and where can you drink it for the longest time before campus security arrives. College is hard brain work. But what sort of ex-UCD students would we be if we didn’t offer you something to ease the pain of starting real college life? So here’s a nice prank for the start of the semester: as a former victim, Arms is going to run you through this one:

The ‘Late for Lecture Prank’


 * 1) Arrive late with a friend to a packed lecture theatre
 * 2) Make sure he/she is just in front of you as you walk in the door
 * 3) Scream: “Sorry I’m Late!” as loud as you can
 * 4) As the lecturer and entire class look to the source of the disturbance, quickly exit the theatre and hold the door shut behind you. Thus locking your friend inside.
 * 5) Cackle with laughter through the little pane of glass in the door.

It’s a cliché, but it’s true, college is what you make of it. So why not do this prank, or make up your own prank, or go find the tunnels, or skip lectures for a swim in the lake, or go to the bar at 1pm for no other reason than it’s a Tuesday, or talk to the homeless dude, or go to a random lecture, or play hide and seek in the library, or go to a play, a debate, a gig or do any host of random shit that you can do because you don’t have a job, kids, or any real responsibilities other than writing some stupid essay that you ripped from Wikipedia anyway. COLLEGE IS AWESOME.

11 Nov 2013: Food Bastards
'''There are many types of bigotry such as race, religion, sexual orientation and of course Roy Keane. But there are none quite so infuriating as food…'''

A bigot is someone who is intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices. And there is no bigotry more widespread than that of food. It is a sad fact of this world that if you say you hate a particular food that someone loves, they will never believe you, and in turn try to force their own belief structure upon you. These are Food Bastards.

Here’s an example:


 * Hey Paul would you like an olive?
 * No thanks, I don’t like olives.
 * What do you mean you don’t like olives?
 * I just don’t like olives.
 * But they’re filled with delicious pine nuts?
 * You know, I’m not mad on them either.
 * Why?! Give me one good reason
 * I don’t like the taste
 * Not good enough, try one
 * No thanks
 * Just. TRY. ONE!!
 * No stoppbluuwwwufffff..pleh! What the hell’s wrong with you?!
 * Delicious right?

Sound familiar? It should, Food Bastards are everywhere.

I don’t like fish. I have many reasons for not liking fish, most of all I don’t like the taste. If that isn’t enough (and it should be), I also feel that it shouldn’t be possible for something edible to smell so horrendously. Hog once fried mackerel in an apartment we were sharing and I swear to God, if there had been a nuclear blast that evening, the only things that would have survived would have been cockroaches and the smell of that fucking mackerel. In the end to get rid of the stench, we had to hire those lads who cleaned the Maze prison in the early 80’s.

But it doesn’t matter what reasoning I use, because if you like fish you have instantly disregarded everything I’ve just said. In fact, you are now gearing up to name every possible fish you can think of, and say, “have you tried it?” and adding “it’s really not that fishy”. You’re a Bastard.

Here’s a question for you:

Q. If your friend asked for their steak to be ‘well-done’, would you think less of them?

The answer is of course, YES. If you answered ‘NO, I like my steak well done’’ then you are a philistine, who has ruined a magnificent piece of meat. You might as well set tyre rubber alight and shove it into your uneducated pie-hole, you bottom feeding troglodyte.

What I’ve just written makes me a food bastard, I realise, even though I’m educated enough to know that if someone says they don’t like something I should take them at their word. But deep down I honestly believe that if I can just get you to sink your chompers into a rare filet, lightly sprinkled with sea salt and rosemary, that you’ll stop being such a spanner and order it the way it’s meant to be cooked.

If I can’t cure myself of this bigotry I know there is no chance of curing you. All I can hope is that this article will serve to simply highlight the issue and that maybe, in the future, we can take steps together towards tolerance.

I’ve been told it’s always good to end an article with a quote, so here’s a quote of somebody quoting somebody else:

“Derek says it’s always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can’t top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you’d like. ‘We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.’ “ – From ‘American History X’ quoting Abraham Lincoln.

(Obviously Lincoln wasn’t talking about food, he was in fact talking about a bigotry far more deplorable. Obviously. We just wanted a memorable closing sentence.)

11 Nov 2013: The Problem with Foreigners
As you look around you notice there are these people… these unusual people. People whose symmetrical bone structures speak of diverse gene pools and whose accents trick you into initially thinking they might be from Cork. These are in fact foreigners and we must welcome these peculiar specimens/attractive bastards to our emerald isle with open arms.

Our version of it, Hiberno-English, can at times be so far removed from the Queens that to many we might as well be speaking Gaelic.

For instance, here are some phrases that may leave our foreign friends with a blank expression:


 * Press. The jam is in the ‘press’. To them the jam is now about to be compressed between two giant metal plates. What you meant to say was ‘cupboard’.
 * Ask your new friend from overseas to pick you up a ‘sliced pan’ and you have a greater chance of them returning with a mangled frying pan than Brennans best.
 * Craic (pronounced: Crack). We all know this is not a reference to drugs, but if you explain craic to your foreign friends as ‘having a great time’, they’re still going to think you’re on about drugs and will tighten their grip on their iphone.

Likewise, ‘I’ll do it now in a while’ is an oxymoron which will give any foreigner a migraine.

Below is a scene describing what happened to Francesca, a foreign student, on arriving home to her flat which she shared with Irishman Padraig, who had not read this article.

Padraig

Ah Francesca, how’s she cuttin? (Francesca is confused)

Francesca

…she is cutting with the scissors?

Padraig

Sure you’re gas like! (Francesca checks to see if the gas oven is switched off) Come here to me now, do ya want a sandwich? (Francesca walks closer to Padraig)

Francesca

No thank you, I have already eaten.

Padraig

G’ way! (Francesca, hurt, goes to leave) Lash that sliced pan back in the press for me so. (Francesca is so confused, she vomits)

Francesca

Excuse me?

Padraig

Ah come on ta fuck. (Francesca thinks she might have been asked for sex) Will ya have a cup of tea?

Francesca

Yes please, allow me to make it.

Padraig

I will in me hole!

(Francesca begins to cry, wishing she had never come to Ireland)

However it’s not just the language barrier you have to watch out for. There are also many cultural traps that you can easily fall into.

For example, if you take one of these foreigners on a night out you must be sensitive to the fact that they have had a very different drinking education. For them it is not a badge of honour having one’s stomach pumped in Tallaght hospital early on a Tuesday morning.

Also note that on the way home they probably aren’t going to enjoy the traditional Irish e. coli kebab or Camden Street chipper brawl.

That is not to say these new arrivals are all innocence and cup cakes. If you do manage to bed one of them (in a dramatic bid to improve your world 11), be prepared to have your mind, along with your… socks… blown off. These folks weren’t brought up in Catholic Ireland or educated in single sex prisons, and you’re about to feel like a rank amateur. Imagine they’re Don Conroy and you’re an owl.

And if you’re wondering how the hell one of these exotic beauties is interested in you in the first place, it’s your accent (unless you’re from Louth).

One last thing to keep in the back of your mind. If a foreigner refuses a cup of tea the first time you offer it, it is because they actually don’t want it.

Thanks for reading and goodluck. You’ll need it.

10 June 2013: The Do's and Don'ts of Eating Alfresco
(not archived)

13 March 2013: What Paddy's Day Means to Arms
(not archived)

9 Dec 2012: What I do on a Sunday - By Arms
Sunday Blog: This blog will be called: What I do on a Sunday, by Arms or ‘Does anyone Care?’ by Arms  This post will contain several photos of me, take by me. Like this one, entitled "Whaaat?" Whaaat? Here goes. Woke up in...

(archive incomplete)

29 July 2012: COW AND JOKE MILKING...
Hello! Lots of things! but first: my primary school essay:

THE FARM

We did a gig on a farm. The sun was shining. We milked cows. We had cow milk squirted directly into our mouths straight from the udder. We went back to the city, and cried. THE END.

It’s Hog milking a cow (pic missing)

It’s Foil. On a horse. Foil on a Horse. (pic missing)

10 June 2012
INSPIRATION!

Looking for inspiration for a new sketch, i (arms) went to a coffee shop, in order to be around people: its gets pretty dreary in the office, especially when you have only the sorry faces of those other two losers in the group, foil and hog aka captain no-craic and brigadeer banterless. I am obviously joking, i love them, wait thats too far in the other direction, its probably somewhere in between.

I overheard four oul wans talking and i pretty much transcribed their conversation… who knows if there is a sketch in there…

“is she?”

“she is indeed”?

“ah go way”

“i will not”

“will ya stop”

“ah sure this is it”

“what were we talkin about?”

“havent a fuckin clue”

14 May 2012: Brighton Fringe 2012
This month we did our first ever Brighton fringe Festival or ‘Diet Edinburgh’ as no one calls it. A forty five seater venue at Upstairs at Three and Ten was our destination. If anyone knows the international comedy club, its a bit like that. In other words, intimate, cosy and deadlybuzz for comedy. We booked our selves into the Beirut of hostels  - 18 bed dorms. Honestly i’ve never been to war but im sure its horrible. Anyway back to this shit hole of a battery hen hostel. Let me recommend silicone ear plugs. Apparently everyone snores. Men smell.

Why? I hear you ask, did we do this? Well let me bore you beyond tears: We expected to sell about 5 tickets a night, enough people to help us stack the chairs afterwards, and come back home impoverished, or at least more impoverished. But for some reason, we havent worked out yet, we sold out the three days. Awesome. You do not know delight until it is announced that you no longer have to hand out flyers to people for 2 hours (although the Brighton peeps were lovely). We celebrated with a bbq on the beach but with the harshest reminder that we’ve definately not ‘made it’ - eating hot sausages out of crisp bags. Rock and fukin Roll. (pic missing)

There is a huge amount of hanging around as a depressed travelling comedian, and myself and Hog went to the park, with my plastic bag full of clothes (classy i am) and Hog’s ripped paper M&S bag (ala park vagrant). We didnt look any different to the man glugging cider and shouting occasionally (at nothing obviously). Why is it always druids cider?

Homeless Hog: (pic missing)



We had an amazing time in Brighton, and if you havent been, its beautiful, open minded and a great place to go out. We got to try out a whole bunch of new sketches too: Mass, the Chairheads, Feis Ceoil, Driving Range, Gang war, Sex Doll & Company Policy. Some went down better than others, but none bombed… which is really the big deal. We got some nice reviews too, which I’ve linked below (they’re really short). Thanks for reading! If you actually got this far!! BYE!,

Arms.

(You can read the reviews for their stint at the Brighton Fringe on the page for Comedy Doesn't Pay.)

3 April 2012: You best BELIEVE
Hello FAH blog readers! (im going to pretend there is a litany of people who have been consistently refreshing this page waiting for an update)

What are we doing in April?

GIGs

This month we have our birthday gig: Whelans on the 20th of April. We have done cac loads of promotion for it, even shelling out for some not-so-sexy posters of ourselves to be plastered around town. After some research it has been revealed that this is also Hitlers birthday. Yes, it is unfortunate that we share the happiest day in our calendar with the undisputed ‘Das Prick’ of the 20th century.

TElly We are also writing some television stuff. ‘What? Television?’, i hear you say, ‘surely Arms’ facial expressions and wildly gesticulating limbs will be too bizzare for screen. Well we’ll just have to figure out an angle that works for him, maybe it’ll be like the way they filmed the old school stage actors back in the day ie: from afar, in wide shots, so they can do their wanky theatre thing.

Photozzz We also got some more pictures of ourselves ‘jostling’ and pretending to like each other (important for any comedy group), so here’s one below. I’ve also included a ‘rare moment of thought photo’ which shows that even frolicking joke smiths have a serious side too. (pics missing)



16 Dec 2011: March 2012 - It's new shit time...
We are writing 18 new sketches at the moment! Yes in our humble little office (aka a room in an industrial estate) we are saying ‘yes!’ to every idea, which is dangerous. But for the moment its fun and it means we can get some stranger stuff out there. If you catch us this and next month, you’ll most likely be able to spot the new stuff. It wont have an ending, or it’ll have the ‘Peter-out’ ending, which involves asking a member of the audience called Peter to get out when the sketch is finished. To sum up what it feels like to do new shit, here’s a photo:



Highlights










FAH does Movember (2012)


Sketches filmed during Movember (where the fluff can be perved on as well):

Hog clearly decided on a facial hair phase for a while after, turning up with a moustache and beard in the December sketches Upskilling, Budget, Voice Recognition, Band Accounts, FA&H Christmas Party 2012 and Hashtag (Original). Do you think he should bring it back? Comment below!

The Office Sign


Every week we're going to put a new sign on our office door. This week we are 'Dr. John Butler - Animal Veterinarian'. Suggestions for future signs welcome. (11 Jun 13)

Suggestions (week 1)
 * Next week just change it to child veterinarian
 * Mr. Tom Donnelly, Amateur Proctologist
 * Fintan O'Shea, Hair Retrieval Specialist
 * Paul Paul Tautologist
 * Martin donegan,seat belt tester
 * Wayne Kerr - Mediation and Conflict Resolution Consultant
 * Dr Sam Beckett - Project Quantum Leap
 * Dr. Alban - Life Coach
 * Sean Flynn-McGinn - the Pete Best of FAH
 * Just put a sign saying "come in" and see who you get
 * Put a ladies toilet sign up...
 * Chairman of the Bored
 * Professor Flanagan - Video Game Testing Department
 * Veribald C. Horsetender- Man?
 * Sean Paul No. 1 (Champion)

Comment from FAH: Awesome suggestions one and all, this week we have gone with Michael McClintock's Hair Retrieval Specialist. Thanks folks!



Last week we were a veterinarians, this week the sign on our office door reads 'Fintan O'Shea, Hair Retrieval Specialist'. What should we be next? (25 Jun 2013)

Suggestions (week 2)
 * Sex therapist, old country farmer style
 * Coco Jimmy: Agent to the stars
 * Ignatious Cumberbatch- Anger Management
 * A facial acupuncturist!
 * pooper scooper surveillance
 * HR Consultant for former bankers, you could have the room littered with old-style recording equipment a la The Anglo lads...
 * Ambrose Fitzpatrick; breakfast clairvoyant. "Toast and Misfortune - there's a stronger link than you think"
 * Arbuthnot Stingwilly. Lemming suicide councillor.

Comment from FAH: Apparently we created a stir of confusion and gossip among the other offices. People think we're either moving out or splitting the office with these random lunatics :-)

FAH-art
Some of these are sketches in their own right!

Found this womans Mag from around 1533 whilst cleaning out the office... some things never change; biatches be crazy and sheet!! Comments: 
 * In a moment of boredom we decided to pretend what it would be like if we all did history degrees.
 * (on the spelling error shinning armour) I'll have that changed for version 2.0, me and spelling, it's an age old bettle that I constantely loose.
 * (replying to the comment: "you should print these out and leave them on the tables at gigs... throw some info about you guys on the back and its a business card!") I like it, it's that outside the box thinking that we need. We're looking into it!

FAH memes & Jokes
In the early days, they made their own memes and visual gags!

Rare Sketches
These gems were once on YouTube but have since been culled. For the time being, they still reside on Facebook, so we've linked them here.