Pitches & Scripts Written by FAHns

FAHns love FAHntasising, and every once in a while, some of us get an idea for a sketch. Sometimes it’s an idea for a completely new sketch, and other times it’s an idea for a sequel to another FAH sketch.

No matter whether it’s a pitch or a script, you can add your idea here.

Be nice and never edit another FAHn's idea.

A party with the Planets of the Solar System (by Finn from Canada)
This idea was pitched by a young viewer (via his mum) to Foil Arms and Hog on their Facebook page on 25 June 2020. He was inspired by their two "A Party with..." sketches and honestly, I can't wait to see what FAH comes up with for this one. Finn immediately got a reply from one of the lads, who was all for it! Now let's sit back and see how long it'll take them to turn this amazing pitch into a real sketch!

Oisín gets a girlfriend. (By MijaRex)
We all know and love the famous mother/son dynamic of Mrs Flanagan and Oisín. Though over time poor Oisín seems like he is getting a little lonely of just spending time with his mother... and Barry’s incessant need for chicken nuggets from the deep freeze. So what if, he got a girlfriend and wanted to bring her home to Mrs Flanagan? What if, Mrs Flanagan couldn’t wait to meet this mystery lady? What if, horror of horrors, the last person to find out who Oisín‘s girlfriend is, is Barry?

That wouldn’t be the most suspenseful option, what if, until the very last second, we don’t know who she is? It would make it even better, if his mystery lady turned out to be.... Barrys Twin Sister!

Brexit - A Trial Separation (by Rosmarinusdewofthesea)
I loved the Brexit Divorce sketch so when we actually left the EU and nothing much happened I imagined what it would be like in their house... GB and EU have gathered the children together to explain what is happening.

GB:     This is just a trial separation so we can get used to what it will be like when Daddy isn't around anymore.

EU:     [hugging children goodbye] Remember I never wanted to leave.

GB:     Oh yes, turn them against me while you're at it, why don't you!

EU:     It is the truth!

GB:     [looking at EU expecting him to go]

EU:     You were the one who wanted to leave.

GB:     I've lived here thousands of years, I'm not actually going to leave, obviously.

EU:     That's what I thought.

GB:     It's more of a conscious uncoupling.

EU:     What?

GB:     If Gwen can do it...

EU:     Gwen doesn't have trade deals!

GB:     You don't know that! She's got some lovely candles.

EU:     Well, I'm not going anywhere.

GB:     We'll just lead separate lives.

EU:     Fine. I'm going to the shops.

GB:     Oh, will you get me a few things while you're there?

EU:     Oh, no, no! You wanted this separation. You have to shop for yourself now.

GB:     I haven't been to the shops for 48 years!

EU:     This should be fun then. [Exits]

IRL:     What are we going to do now Daddy's gone?

GB:     We'll just take one day at a time. Nothing's really going to change.

SCO:  Where are we going to get food?

GB:     Uncle Sam will bring us some food when he comes to visit.

USA:   Howdy, partner! Who wants some chicken I've taken for a swim and fried in Kentucky?

GB:     Ooh, lovely!

SCO: I'm going to the chippy.[Exits.]

GB:     Don't eat that unhealthy rubbish!

IRL:     Will I still be able to play next door?

GB:     As long as you don't keep bringing things home with you.

IRL:     But we're best friends, I have to!

GB:     You don't have to.

IRL:     We do have to be best friends! We've got the same name! It's the law.

SCO:  [Enters carrying chips] You promised once Dad left we could at least talk about me moving out.

GB:     Dad hasn't left, he's just gone to the shops.

SCO:  I never get what I want! [Storms out.]

[V.O. from off, SCO and IRL, I'm leaving! No, I'm leaving!]

GB:     I have got to build bridges between those two.

SCO: [Enters] I'm going to live with Dad, you can't stop me! [Exits]

IRL:     [Enters] I'm going too!

GB:     No, you're not! You behave or I'll have to set new boundaries for you.

IRL:     It's not my fault Dad left! [Exits.]

GB:     [calling after] I left him!

GB:     [sighs] Alone at last.

WAL: [Enters] I'm here too.

Cut to: EU returns from shops. Bumps into SCO leaving.

SCO:  Dad!

EU:     Hello, son! I've just been to the shops.

SCO:  I thought Mum was just saying that.

SCO and EU at table laden with food from Europe.

GB:     [comes in] Remember we're supposed to be getting used to Dad not being here.

SCO: [eating heartily] Aye, right.

EU pours wine.

Cut to EU, SCO and IRL talking all saying

EU/SCO/IRL: I never wanted to leave. Well, I never wanted to leave.

GB:     You all feel like this?

EU/SCO/IRL: Yeah.

GB:     Fine. I'll leave then. [Stays.] Just pretend I'm not here.

[beat - awkwardness]

Cut to: EU/SCO wandering into kitchen, GB is taking European food out of the fridge.

GB:     Don't mind me.

Cut to EU walks in on GB raiding wine cellar.

EU and GB meet on the hallway/landing at night, GB in dressing gown, EU in starry pyjamas.

EU:     Are you still here?

GB:     I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

EU:     Oh, yeah? Once you've raided the medicine cabinet?

GB:     [pockets stuffed with medicines] I don't know what you're talking about.

EU:     You're doing it now!

GB:     I always carry my medications around with me and I don't appreciate you shaming me about it! Then there's my blood pressure, diabetes, birth control, angina, depression...

EU gets bored and goes to bed.

GB starts packing more boxes.

Coronavirus Night Out (by Rormarinusdewofthesea)
The boys don't tend to venture much into politics but they have done sketches where the countries of the wrold are personified and if they did that again recently maybe they would imagine the countries on a night out in relation to their Coronavirus response (note: this was written back in March...)

Spain, France and Germany have introduced tough new measures designed to limit  the spread of Coronavirus. Meanwhile, Britain and America are like your drunkest friends on a night out that want to carry on when it is clearly time to go home.

GB:     Just one more mass gathering! Only one more mass gathering!

FR:      You really need to stop mass gatherings. Look what happened to Italy, he passed out and got locked up for weeks.

GB:     I'm not like Italy! I can handle my mass gatherings.

USA:   One more gathering won't kill you!

ESP:   I'm struggling guys, I'm going for a tactical state of emergency.

GB:     Lightweight!

GER: I'm calling it a night too, guys.

GB:     Oh, come on!

USA:   We don't need to close schools!

GB:     No! They're actually safer there!

IRL:     [putting arm around GB] Mate, you really need to close schools.

GB:     [shaking IRL off] This is my crisis and I'll handle it how I like! Carry on! Carry on!

USA:   [joining in] Carry on! Carry on!

IRL:     You'll regret this in a week.

GB:     Next week is for losers! Go hard or go home!

IRL:     You should definitely go home.

GB:     Pussy!

WHO: This actually contradicts all our recommendations.

GB: WHO ARE YA? WHO ARE YA?

WHO: Yes, very funny.

GB:     WHO! WHO! WHO!

WHO: Quite.

USA:   WHO-sa are you-sa?

WHO: Yes, that wasn't annoying before.

GB:     Look at me! I've got herd immunity!

WHO:  No, you haven't.

USA:   I want some!

WHO: It doesn't exist.

GB:     WHO's got all the immunity? WHO? WHO? WHO?

WHO: I'm here to take you home.

GB:     No! Come on! We have to keep the economy going!

USA:   Yeah! You're not gonna feel that bad! It's not that much worse than seasonal flu.

WHO: That's completely inaccurate.

USA:   You're not gonna die from it! The death rate is actually lower.

WHO: Again... It's ten times as high!

GB:     You actually WANT people to get it, get it over with!

WHO: Absolutely not.

GB:     These are only recommendations. We don't HAVE to stop.

WHO: Unless you change course a quarter of a million people will die.

[Pause]

GB:     Jeez, what a buzzkill!

What Artists Want (by Zabine)
Non-Artist: Excuse me?

Shop worker: How can I help?

Non-Artist: Emm, what do artists like?

Shop worker: [dramatic pause] Nobody knows

Non-Artist: What?

Shop worker: Some like paint, some don’t. Some like charcoal, some don’t. Some use digital tools but some find digital ruins their artistic expression.

Non-Artist: What are you saying?

Shop worker: They’re all...different.

Non-Artist: What?

Shop worker: I know. Barely believed it myself at first but it’s true. Each artist, they have their own individual personalities, likes, dislikes, preferences. Just like you (but more...artistic).

Non-Artist; What about a sketchbook? She likes to draw.

Shop worker: Which brand? What size paper? Spiral bound? Perforated edges?

Non-Artist: I don’t know,.. What about pencils?

Shop worker: Colored pencils? Pastel pencils? Graphite sticks?

Non-Artist: I don’t know, “Artist” pencils.

Shop worker: You just don’t get it do you?

Non-Artist; Come on, there must be something.

Shop worker: There is one thing.

Non-Artist: What is it?

Shop worker: You’re not going to like it.

Non-Artist: What is it?

Shop worker: Paid work.

Non-Artist:Paid work? I don’t understand.

Shop worker: It’s a system in which they do work and someone pays them for it.

Non-Artist: How much does it cost?

Shop worker: An hourly rate at or above the cost of minimum wage. Plus the cost of materials.

Non-Artist: That’s a bit steep.

Shop worker: You have to ask yourself, do you love your artist enough to pay for the art she creates?

Non-Artist: I might just get this. [holds up an ugly mass-produced faux-original painting]

Shop worker: They’re on special, 3 for 2.

Non-Artist: Great, I’ll get one for myself as well. I love supporting the arts.